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A Letter to the British Government: Please Produce Proof of Life for Boris Johnson

Dear British government,

It has now been over 50 hours since the United States’ assassinated Iranian general Qassem Soleimani and plunged the world into an international crisis. This event is considered so serious that some fear it might lead to a third world war.

Despite the seriousness of the situation, we have yet to hear from our dear Prime Minister.

Is everything OK?

We’re not usually the kind of people to worry but we would have thought that the Prime Minister might like to reassure the British public at this time of distress rather than leaving the nation in the quite incapable hands of Dominic Raab, a man that we can best describe as a governmental Private Pike.

Is Mr Johnson ill?

Unfortunate case of sunburn?

Has he overdone it with Carrie?

Penis capitvus?

Unfortunate incident with a Mustique pig?

The British public surely has a right to know what the situation is, particularly given the national security implications and of course the cost to the taxpayer for Mr Johnson’s jaunt to Mustique. £20,000 a week for the love shack alone wasn’t it?

Given that we are led to believe that Boris is currently too busy collecting his long-promised coconuts and getting down, dirty and tropical, who exactly has given the order for HMS Montrose and HMS Defender to enter the Strait of Hormuz?

Wait…

He hasn’t been kidnapped by those dastardly Quds, has he? 

It would be a supreme irony for him to end up in an Iranian jail cell given that his mouth left Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe to rot in one.

He’s not in the fridge again surely? Because in the event of nuclear war, just so he knows, Indiana Jones is bullshit.

Anyway, I’m sure you understand the concern that the country has about our dear leader at this time and we would all be immensely grateful if you, our government, could produce some proof of life for Boris Johnson. Him holding a newspaper with today’s date on. You know the kind of thing.

Please, however, don’t actually think we want him back.

Given Mr Johnson’s history of foul and racist abuse, his absence from the world stage at this sensitive time has undoubtedly been one of the few positive points we can take from the past few days. In fact, we’re quite happy to start a crowdfunding initiative to keep him in Mustique permanently if you’d be interested. Let us know.

In his absence, Britain’s statements have been limited to the meek and largely ignored Raab and the strong and positive messages from Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell

Long may they reign as the face of British diplomacy and foreign policy.

All the best and with the greatest of disrespect,

The British public

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